My Apologies

To anyone who has submitted comments, questions or session requests through my website, www.soulsparking.com: I just discovered that the form I had enabled on my website was not delivering any of the messages sent from it to my email inbox.  Moreover, this has been not happening for at least a year now.  My sincere apologies to anyone who tried to contact me via that comment form!  I have since deleted it, just to be on the safe side.  Please direct any Reiki session requests, questions or comments via email to: jessica[at]soulsparking.com.

Thank you, and again, I’m very sorry for not responding in a timely manner to anyone who tried to reach me from the comment box!

Jessica

Auto-Writing & Channeled Messages for Heightened Awareness: SPIRITUAL EXPANSION

The final theme from the night of auto-writing in one of the mediumship circles of last year: Spiritual Expansion.

… Is loving yourself & opening to all possibilities.  Spiritual expansion is flowing along the current & creating new currents.  Sharing with others like a rainbow, all colors blending and adding to the whole, yet singular and essential.  Spiritual expansion is growth and a trueness.  A welcoming of one’s self to one’s Soul.

Spiritual expansion says hello to today & tomorrow and yesterday, accepting them all as one and all integral — Spiritual expansion is forgiveness of what one thinks & overthinks, & loving all that one is.  Because all that one is, is part of All That Is.

Auto-Writing & Channeled Messages for Heightened Awareness: RESONANCE

Theme three from the night of auto-writing last year in the mediumship circle: Resonance. Now it starts to get interesting, with depth.

Resonance is the charcoal striking the paper striking the sand, putting the contract into the physical. Resonance is a wholeness with so much vast space being held in the arms of the universe. Not empty space, oh no —

It is full of clarity & joy and synchronicity. Wholesome, there is no doubt you know the way to go. You can embrace the next step as the universe & All That Is embraces you, even when you sleep, even when you are unaware, even when you are aware of the things you wish you hadn’t done.

Resonance is a combination of all colors, bright white light surrounding you and filling you so there is no doubt of what to do or who you are.

Resonance vibrates and raises your energy to the you you almost remember.

Auto-Writing & Channeled Messages for Heightened Awareness: EARTH

The second theme of our auto-writing experience from the previously mentioned evening circle last December: Earth.

earth|is|blue|green wide spacious flowing. earth is an ecosystem peace process growth, a chalkboard on which to draw one’s creations. earth is multitudinous, teaming with life & experiences. earth is an adventure, a playground, a mother and father; earth is child whom we must nurture.

we nurture earth and thereby nurture ourselves.

The pervasive feelings I encountered during the channeling of the Earth theme were those of subtle timidity, curiosity and an earnest desire to explore; I felt surrounded by a placid and gentle presence. The colors experienced, so appropriately, were blues and greens.

Auto-Writing & Channeled Messages for Heightened Awareness: JOY

I am no longer sitting the mediumship circles of last year. In January, my new job sent me a’traveling for weeks, another circle-sitter was taking some time off to sort through some personal life needs, and our mentor and circle facilitator was drawn to new projects near and far; basically, our other life events were taking precedence as we sent our energies out into the world. However, after my recent move a couple months ago, I came across some channeled auto-writing messages I had scribbled on scraps of paper while in trance state, from an experiment we conducted in one of the circles last year. I transfer them here, lest I lose them forever. And who knows, perhaps others may find a bit of inspiration in them, should they come across these pages one day.

We were given one to two word themes as a starting point. We then, in trance state, opened our awarenesses to other Beings since passed this world, asking Spirit to expound on each given theme. Most of us had experienced some form of automatic writing before, and were familiar with the suggestions given for enhancing the connections: just allow the information to come through without us censoring it or trying to understand it; keep writing, even if it seems like nonsense or we felt like we were making it up at first; relax and have fun with it — Spirit is often light, joyful and playful in heart! Our hands detached from our subjective minds as they free-flowed into words from Spirit. Some of the writings made more “logical” sense than others, but the feelings derived when re-reading what we wrote were distinct and warming. We were given four concepts in total that evening.

Following is my result of the first: “Joy.” The Being I connected with for this concept appeared to me as a young, carefree boy of about 5 or 6 years, full of wonder and presence. The setting was summertime, in a neighborhood playground/park-like environment. The timeframe was early ’80s — think red and white striped T-shirt and denim shorts, with a mop of straight, bowl-cut blonde hair falling in his eyes as he ran on the grass, eyes opening and shutting into the sun. A definite stream of consciousness, flitting from each visual and experiential possibility into the next.

ecstatic lush green lawns sunshine jump rope double-dutch swingset bouncing balls childhood childlike energy childlike open eyes running jumping smiling laughing

Yes, this one is very short and to the point. The other three themes soon to follow.

Update, for a point of clarification: Yes, I am a Reiki practitioner, following the traditional Japanese teachings.  However, not all I write about in this little blog of mine, nor the links I may post, relate to Reiki.  Auto-writing, for example, and channeling or mediumship — definintely not Reiki in any shape or form.  There is a lot of misinformation and misunderstandings out there about what exactly is and is not Reiki, and there are Reiki practitioners who have learned and/or include such additional focuses to be inclusive in their Reiki practice.  But they are not.  For more information on Reiki as practiced from the traditional Japanese perspective, please refer to my short explanation of Reiki, to an overview of how I shifted my practice to be based on the Japanese teachings, and to my teachers’ site, The International House of Reiki.  Just want to make this very important distinction.  More to come in future posts expanding on this topic.

The Proof is in the Practice

Last October, I embarked on two distinct (yet very related) practices that have since changed my life. And not just internally changed — I mean, I have specific physical repercussions that continue to emerge even today. But the physical effects are actually the later manifestations of actions that began as new a-ha’s of understanding in the mind — they are just the effects of specific thoughts, words and actions I have started re-programming in myself.

The first practice stems directly from the Reiki Shinpiden course I took with Frans and Bronwen Steine of The International House of Reiki. This course changed everything about how I understand Reiki as a practitioner and now teacher (as it has for everyone I’ve met who has taken this course) — the Steines have done tremendous work on themselves in accordance with the true, pure path of Reiki, and have dedicated themselves to bringing its roots to light for those of us who first learned Reiki as it evolved (or as some may say, devolved?) in the West. They have helped clear away the brambles of confusion about what Reiki really was in its origins and can be today, and I felt so much lighter and clearer and more focused after that weekend course. I will not delve too deeply into my experience with Shinpiden, other than to recommend that other Reiki practitioners of Level II or above take this course with the Steines when they are presented with the opportunity, and to also comment that because of this course, my personal Reiki practice now breathes with me. It is not stagnant; it is an ancient tool I can access for my own growth and empowerment. The more I practice and work on myself, on a daily basis with commitment and discipline and understanding, the more I can access the Reiki energy within myself, and clear the flow of my energy stream.

Word of the second practice, outlined in a book, arrived to me first via my friend, Sarah, last summer, but I chose then to put off reading it, for whatever reason. During Shinpiden, a fellow classmate mentioned the same book Sarah had raved about, and I knew it finally was time to read it. This book is The Diamond Cutter: The Buddha on Managing Your Business and Your Life, by Geshe Michael Roach. Somewhat controversial in traditional Buddhist circles due to its unconventional approach to Buddhist principles, primarily because Roach packages the message with a (very non-Buddhist) material bent to draw in a Western, non-Buddhist audience (along the lines of “Want to make more money and be more successful? Then understand and implement these principles into a daily personal practice.”), the book nonetheless helped me understand very clearly how the universe, and energy itself, works with us and our actions, words and thoughts. I had an interest in but only periphery understanding of Buddhist principles (via limited studies of what Master Usui brought to the system of Reiki), so being able to read about these Buddhist principles as they can be applied in our Western society of ingrained commercialism and business truly opened an entirely new understanding and application for me.

That is understating this book’s impact on me, though. The teachings in this book have gripped me in such an awakening, and as I started applying them as I read, I began to notice subtle, and then not-so-subtle shifts. First these shifts occurred only in my mind. I started paying attention to my thoughts much more than I used to (and I am normally on the introspective side to begin with), but more than just acknowledging each thought running through my mind, I started transforming the kinds of thoughts that would arise. A message at the core of this book is that reality can be perceived in many different ways, depending on one’s perspective. What I may perceive as “bad” may be perceived by another as actually quite a good thing for them. So essentially, effects are neither good nor bad. They just are. To take this a step further, whatever I perceive right now is based on a past thought, word or action of mine. If I did something good for someone in the past, I will at some point be able to see and perceive someone doing something good for me. Or if I acted out of anger toward someone in the past, I at some point will perceive someone acting out of anger toward me. For another example: if I want to be successful in my endeavors, I should recognize and express gratitude as much as possible (sound familiar, all those following “The Secret”?). And these past actions (and our current actions now that later become “past” actions!) magnify and ripple out like waves on a pond — kind of like the power of compounding interest when investing money, only in this we invest energy! And I can take full responsibility for my reality, by first understanding the nature of how this works, and then implementing the principles and monitoring myself. Since I do not want someone to be angry toward me, I can cultivate a peaceful, compassionate mind that bypasses anger. Instead of allowing myself to become upset or angry because of some external circumstance, which puts me in the role of victim, I can instead understand situations as 1) effects of my past actions, and 2) opportunities to end the cycle of violence and plant positive seeds for my own (and others’) futures. Even more, I can then consciously plant positive seeds (what Roach calls “Imprints”) to cultivate a positive perception of my reality for the future. To me, this concept sums up the true meaning of a word that has been thrown around incorrectly under other definitions and confused the hell out of many people, including me: Karma.

Sound simple? Well, it kind of is. But to really understand the concept and the whys of it all, I do suggest you read the actual book, which delves much deeper and into more areas than I just did in my simplistic overview. Roach outlines many different areas on which one can focus, and recommends that we work with a few at a time, and keep track daily, and even more than daily, in a notebook, our progress. Not to judge or feel bad, but to really track ourselves, in each moment.

I feel like so much has shifted since I read The Diamond Cutter and started consciously implementing new imprints. And to tie this back into my new understanding of Reiki as a personal practice, this truly gave me a greater depth of understanding of Reiki’s first precept, “Do not anger.” This book has quickly become a number-one handbook — as my friend, Sarah, says, this book should be required reading by anyone who has a life — or basically, everyone!

Between Shinpiden and The Diamond Cutter, my perspective, and in turn, life, has truly changed, and the way I approach everything is so much lighter, with so much greater awareness of imprints and present actions. From even the first day I started implementing not only what I learned in Shinpiden, but also 3 of the principles I focused on from the book, I started noticing the difference. Impacts in my daily life: My life (some aspects of which I used to view as an annoyance and with not just a little frustration) started to feel so much simpler. People whose actions and words once had a tendency to really get under my skin soon became…still there, with them probably still acting in the same manner as before, but my reaction became so much more compassionate, and so much more focused on my own actions and what I bring to the table in each moment. I started to feel that in taking responsibility for every moment as a co-contributor, I could be so much more empowered — and free — to create the positive side I wanted. I let go of attachment to specific outcomes of what I thought I wanted, and instead just focused on what I could control — my thoughts, words and actions, and how to more closely embody the Reiki precepts and the principles of The Diamond Cutter.  Two months later, after I had decided (after reading The Diamond Cutter) to not run from my job, but to stay and work on myself instead, a recruiter called me, seemingly out of the blue. “Oh, I’m not looking for anything right now,” I said, and meant it. But I listened to what she had to offer, in case something sounded right for a friend. And then she mentioned what could be a dream job for me in my design field. It was a stretch from what I was doing at the time, but it was something about which I was and am passionate, and something I can be really great at.

And now? Now I am working at that dream job. I’m working on myself with my daily practices: those from my new Reiki studies, and the tracking of my thoughts and words and actions in accordance with principles outlined in The Diamond Cutter. And I am re-reading the book again.

How Reiki Found Me — Another Story of Once-Upon-A-Time, Meant – To – Be

For most, if not all, of the Reiki practitioners I have met, there is always a story — not of how they found Reiki, but of how Reiki found them. As clichéd as it may sound after hearing it over and over, it resonates so true to my own experience as well. I believe that those who are meant to travel the healing path of Reiki, and perhaps of other energy healing modalities, are found in extraordinary, idiosyncratic and perfect-for-the-individual ways. Something along the lines of the ever-popular and profound synchronicities and “meant-to-be’s.” For me, it was to be a major part of my Saturn Return, and although I hadn’t expected it, it just felt so right once it happened. Call it love at first experience, or coming home to the “I” I hadn’t quite remembered (but which, thankfully, my Soul did!).

Flashback to a couple Springs ago, when a friend of mine received a phone call unexpectedly from Patrizia, a former colleague of his, with whom he had not spoken in about five years. He later told me that when she had contacted him, primarily to say hello and catch up, he kept thinking that the call was really meant to be a connector for me. You see, Patrizia had become a Reiki practitioner since they had last spoken, and my friend, knowing my inclinations toward transformation and personal growth, listened to his intuition and conveyed to me his inner urge that I contact her for a session. Which, being intrigued and open to the universe’s little nudges and suggestions, I did, of course.

I called Patrizia and scheduled a session for the upcoming Saturday. I awoke early that Saturday morning, intent to make it to a blood donation appointment I had so optimistically scheduled earlier that week, for something ridiculous like 9:30 am and 45 minutes away from my apartment. Upping the ante, I was hungover from my previous night of Lower East Side fun. I realized this as I jumped out of bed and juiced a garlic-y elixir of kale and collards, lemons, grapefruit and cucumbers, but being pretty much still drunk on the previous night’s wine and stunted sleep, my brain didn’t fully kick in until I was waiting at the blood center to start the donation process to realize that my blood might not be 100% kosher. I canceled and walked out into the streets of Midtown Manhattan that were sprinkled with a few early-bird shoppers, an empty cab here and there, drizzle and not much else. I bought another vegetable juice in hopes of detoxing my body and mind, window shopped for a few hours and then ate lunch before catching a train to the Upper East Side to meet Patrizia at 3 pm (at which point my equilibrium was approaching closer to center).

Patrizia was lovely, open, informative, and like most Reiki practitioners I have since met, so enthusiastic about how her life had changed since Reiki had found her. Before starting the table portion of the session, she answered all of my questions about Reiki and referred me to additional resources, including her teacher, should I want to pursue my own Reiki training. She told me that it had originated with a Japanese monk, and that it involved channeling energy from the universal life force energy to re-balance the body’s energy systems. At this point, all I knew about Reiki was that, based on my prior studies in and of Japan, the word sounded Japanese, and that it was some form of energy healing. Whatever that meant. It sounded wonderful nonetheless. I really would not have been able to tell you at that point, and I had researched nothing — I had simply trusted and followed a lead. I didn’t know what to expect from the session, so I was open to anything. I really had no idea, though, that what was to happen could have possibly happened, and when it did, I was so incredulous and mind-blown. (Of course, in retrospect, I’m sure the hangover — that irreverent, surreal hangover, at this time neutralized yet not completely released, with its after-effects still lingering to open my senses to those energies behind the veil that I often rush over or fail to notice when sober — called for much more re-balancing, and affected the particular forms in which I would receive the Reiki energy. What’s done is done — no apologies at this stage in the game for the hows!)

Patrizia asked me if I had any specific intentions I would like to make for my session — on what would I like the Reiki energy to focus? I believe I mentioned something to the effect of coming into my Saturn Return with more clarity about my life path. (I was a bit embarrassed about confessing to the hangover, so I kept it a secret from her — although not from the Reiki energy!) She then prompted me to lie with my back on the table, and supported my head with a small pillow and under my knees with a bolster. She asked if I would like a blanket, which I accepted gladly. So there I was, lying on my back, snug and secure under the blanket, at peace with just being, and enjoying the soft afternoon light filtering through her windows. She guided me to close my eyes if I wanted. Sure, why not. At first I kept my awareness alert to her movements. She stood at the end of the table, hands on my feet, which warmed and then radiated heat at the touch. I sensed hands above my face, hovering. Then she was around the table, but I wasn’t sure where. At one point, I remember consciously thinking about how odd it was that she was at my legs at the same time as she was at my shoulders (what I later would learn is commonly called ghost hands). It wasn’t long before I slipped down into a less focused state of mind. I was aware that my hands were tingling, even when she was not touching them, and they felt heavy yet weightless at the same time — like they wanted to float up, but were heavy to my will’s direction. I felt energy run down my arms and legs now and then. I felt her hands on my head, and I thought my head must have lit up, it felt so ablaze with heat and pulsation. Then I was under. My body sunk into the table, and my mind drifted into swirling colors and visual images, on its own mini-journey. This was not the crazy part.

I awakened (I had been out — not sleeping necessarily, but focusing more from the subconscious) to Patrizia softly asking me to roll over. I felt so relaxed at this point, as if I had just slept such a gratifying afternoon nap, and with the rest of the day still open and full of possibilities. And there was more! I sleepily rolled over, and she guided me to rest my face in the face cradle, which she had lined with tissue. I happily complied, and closed my eyes again. I shifted the rest of my body into a comfortable position, arms at my sides, and gladly sunk back into the table. My third eye was pulsating and my head was still quite on fire. My hands and feet, too, kept tingling and pulsing with energy. She sat at the head of the table, hands on my head. I slipped back under, driftily aware when she moved to a different place on my body — to my shoulders, my upper and then lower back, my legs. I don’t recall at what point it started, but fairly soon after Patrizia spent time on the back of my head, I felt a rush of energy center there — at my temples, my crown, and primarily at the center of my brows — at my third eye. The energy pulsated intensely, and didn’t stop. My awareness returned from its “sleep” and was now sharply focused on my visual sense, very much in the present moment. And then the visions started. Not some dream-like watery image that flitted from one stream of consciousness to the next, but instead very specific and consistent images. And very real. At first there was just one eye — a human-like eye, singular and cyclopic and not un-kind, without a face or body. An eye suspended in a sepia-toned space, staring right back at me. Then more appeared, and the sepia backdrop was full of eyes, completely covering my line of vision, a wallpaper of blinking staggered singular eyes. I blinked my own eyes open, which had been closed. My face rested in the cradle, and I could see through the tissues and down to the floor; the eyes remained even with my eyes open. I kept blinking, alarmed and cognizant that this was not normal dream state/meditation. The eyes remained, and blinked themselves. OK, I thought, still spooked, let’s just go with it. I closed my own eyes again, and kept staring very intently into the sepia screen of my third eye. And then the eyes made room for singular mouths to join them. The mouths had fleshy, deep dusty-rose pink lips, and even tongues, that moved very articulately. They were saying something, forming vowels and consonants, shaping into words. I strained to read the lips, yet to no avail — they were talking too quickly. I thought, maybe I can hear what they are saying, but that didn’t work either. Eyes and mouths, on sepia tone, blinking and forming words so rapidly. My third eye throbbed and my crown burned. What is going on here?

Patrizia brought the table work to a close, sat me up slowly, and brought me a glass of water. I wondered if she had felt and seen what I had, and asked her such. “Every person’s experience is their own,” she replied. I sat in a bit of awe — What had just happened? I was no longer alarmed — just amazed at the experience. The pulsating feeling ended with the session, as did the vision. And I felt relaxed, centered, and much more balanced than when I had entered. And I felt at peace, even if I didn’t understand the experience. Later, after much reflection, I thought that perhaps the eyes and mouths had indicated an opening to a new (to me, at least) awareness of a higher reality, with me able to perceive bits and pieces at that stage, but by no means yet able to understand the higher frequency, which was why I could not read, hear or understand what was so rapidly being said. (The other somewhat-related, if-slightly-more-cynical hypothesis was that, yes, I had tapped into another level of reality — directly related to the chaos of the alcohol-induced, cell-rearranging hangover!) Either way, though, what I had seen was vivid and real, and I was a believer. I enrolled into the next Reiki I class held by Patrizia’s teacher, Margaret Ann Case, which, as synchronicity would have it, was to be held two weeks from that Saturday. (Thank you, Universe, for guiding me onto this path!)

A New Focus: Explorations in Mediumship

A few months ago, after receiving impressive messages from medium, fellow Reiki Master and friend, dyAnne Irby, I decided that this was a path I, too, wanted to explore, and began studying mediumship with a wonderful mentor, Dr. Lauren. I am delighted that I can navigate my schedule each week to sit in the circles. Studying may be a misleading word choice, though; I am not exactly studying — at least, it doesn’t feel that way! Studying mediumship is not a formal application of mind and intellect. Instead it is an experiential release of the intellect and a connection with instinct and intuition, and of course, with energies of Spirit. Instead of studying books or specific, unyielding rules of procedure, I find myself experiencing and exploring not only other energies of the highest good “out there,” but also myself. I am strengthening not only the awareness of just what my energy feels like, but also strengthening and expanding the energy itself. I am awakening my powers of awareness and subtle, detail-oriented observation, am strengthening my meditation practice, and am deepening my awareness of myself and my connection with my guides and with Source / All That Is. I am truly re-awakening my Self.

I am a bit hesitant to speak or write of mediumship to the general public, as it seems the general (mis)conception is that it is a hoax (if dismissed or pooh-poohed) or a very dark — even “evil” — work (if taken seriously). On the contrary, though, I regard this work (in which we define what we will accept, which is always only the very highest and most loving connections), and even death itself, as very gentle, connecting, loving and expansive. If the unknown is what really frightens us about that which is “dark,” perhaps connecting with Spirit, our guides and those who have passed to their next arenas of consciousness will help us light our own way, and allow us greater trust, presence and peace in each moment.

The beings with whom I have connected have been regular people, with very distinct personalities, strengths, positive traits, and challenges. Usually, it is their challenges that they were in their human bodies to address, and to learn to turn into strengths. Some have expressed sadness about the way they lived, and about certain choices they made, yet they usually now look back upon their lives and choices with wisdom and perspective, great and necessary lessons learned for their next time around. Some are joyous, and retain the playful, even mischievous qualities in the otherworld that they displayed with zest while living on Earth, eager to make connections with those of us still here and to spread their inspirations even yet — to be bold with life and to go for what you want. (One such being with whom I connected was so vivacious of energy, even in the otherworld, that I radiated such beaming joy and could not have erased the wide smile plastered across my own face while delivering his message if I had wanted to!) My grandmother has come through more than a couple times to other mediums for me, and despite the negative feelings of hardened disappointment she held when she was alive, she always conveys the loving message to be true to yourself, to know who you really are underneath the outer shell and societal constructs, and most of all, she always conveys so much love for me. Actually, all of the beings seem to hold this love, for everyone.

Mediumship for me, while it allows for connection with beings who spent time as humans and have since passed, in the end is not really about the Spirit that has passed (although it is very interesting to learn of its Earthly experiences, lessons and messages, particularly if someone present knows the being — and then for that person, the experience probably does become about bringing light to their relationship, along with any needed completion or closure). Rather, as I described above, it is about how we can connect more deeply with who we are at Soul level, and with strengthening our connection with All That Is. Yet (and by definition) it does require that connection with the being as a way of fine-tuning our channel. Sitting in chairs, we start the circle by connecting our feet to the earth, and our third eyes to Source. The heart center becomes the pivot, and I send energy from my heart center into the earth, all the way down through the building floors, down through the subway tunnels and into the crust, intertwining my energy with that of Earth who sustains us. I imagine the energy to be an infinity symbol, with my heart at the center. The energy flows down into the earth in a circular motion, and returns back up toward my heart, bringing with it energy from Earth. I then send energy from my heart center and the Earth up in the infinite figure 8 to Source. The cycle continues and flows back to my heart center and scoops into the Earth. Blending with the Earth and Source is quite lovely — very serene and centering. We also make a heart connection with the other members of the circle to combine our unique energies for a warm and loving circle. We mentally state what we will accept and what we will not, and then request connection with a being who once lived as human on Earth to make herself known to us. At this point, it becomes about fine tuning our awareness to catch all of the identifying details: Is this person female or male? How old and from what era did she live? Where did she live — an urban area? Rural? What can we determine about her personality? How did she live her life? How did she pass? And ultimately, what is her message — why here, why now?

After receiving this information mentally, one by one we describe the being with whom we are sitting. The people sitting as mediums tend to bring their own life experiences and strengths to the circle, as well as their energies. For example, my background in fashion design brings me great attention to detail — particularly to being able to describe the clothing in which the Spirit presents herself — down to the print of her shirt to the cut of her jacket collar to the etchings on her gold-colored metal buttons. (Who knew my fashion background would come in so handy when approaching matters of Soul?!) Details such as these help locate the being in time and space, for more specific identification. Often the messages given have a direct correlation to situations we are experiencing in our own lives. (I find this similar to how I attract Reiki clients who are relating to specific situations that I once went through and for which I can offer more intimate understanding.) I usually find myself leaving circles feeling I have just received the missing piece of information that kept barely eluding me, or feeling uplifted and aligned with All That Is and synchronized with my path for this life.

Mediumship — Connecting this life with passed life for a better future, and facilitating greater mindfulness and awareness. This is unfolding to be a wonderful expansion of my personal growth.

A Call to Write

I have been called to write. Writing is an idea that once upon a time floated around in my mind very quietly, like a soft whispery nudge, which I noticed as almost an afterthought but shrugged to one side, thinking, “maybe in another lifetime – I would rather live my life than just write about it in this one.” Every once in a while, the impulse would work its way out of the trunk of wonderful ideas for the “future” where I had stashed it and reappear to me, and although I might play with it a bit, sooner rather than later I would tuck it away once more. Yet once again I have received the message to write, this time not so quiet in its urging. And my first reactions to it, my first quite conscious thoughts, are two: I am terrified. And this time, I must not ignore it.

Why so resistant? The first excuse – um wait, reason (riiight) for the paralysis returns to the thought that if I am writing, about my life or others\’, I am taking that much time away from the living part of it. (And in the past, I actually talked myself into believing this laze and fear induced “logic.”) The second reason for the heart-lurching compulsion to hide rather than commit to writing and more significantly, to sharing that writing (which turns out to be the raw nerve behind excuse number one)? Basically, baring myself so publicly, so permanently in ink (or in this case, into the vast annals of the ever-expanding world wide web), scares the wit out of me. You mean I have to sign my name to it? Relinquish anonymity? Make a solid stand for something other than the hot fashion item of the season, clear way the path for and even invite judgment (on my thoughts as well as my writing)? Ah, step out of the shadows and bring on the boldness.

If not for boldness, then for what is a life given? The trillion dollar question that will not subside until I properly address it. I think it has something to do with this daring adventure – with claiming ourselves and our space, courageously and without apologies. I\’m not going to insist that I was born to write above all else – there are definitely people out there who were born with such a gift, and I am not one of them. I do have something to contribute, though, and perhaps writing about my ideas and thoughts is a part of it. In expanding an answer to the question about the purpose of a life: As Joseph Campbell would say, it\’s about finding and then following one\’s bliss. For me, I believe this to be a particular reveling in exploration, growth, and figuring out just how to consciously, creatively and joyously manifest my internal being into the physical world. My bliss has been guiding me to delve into topics of soul awareness and some of the other more esoteric, mystic realms as they affect our connections with ourselves and with each other.

And why writing, specifically? It can magnify self-awareness, thereby clarifying the vision I hold for my life – and a more specific vision yields a more specific outcome. Through my journey and studies, particularly over this last year of working toward the level of Reiki Master, I learn more and more everyday that we create our lives – through our beliefs and our thought forms. Our time here is not just about the physical reality, and everything is not necessarily as it seems upon first glance. Rather, the inner reality affects the outer. From thoughts and beliefs, dreams mingled into sleeping and waking lives, the subconscious and then also the psyche, the soul, the part of us that exists outside time and space and without these bodies we occupy, it is from this inner reality that we manifest our outer realities, not to mention our physical bodies that live within and according to the rules of time and space. Except sometimes we may get so caught up in the dramas of the physical manifestations that we lose sight of where they all began – the inner realm. By directing more focus to the awareness of our core selves and our inner realities (particularly to awareness of the thoughts contributing to our core beliefs) – through writing, meditating, creativity, art, astrology, tarot or any number of other means of self-discovery and awareness, we can improve the content and quality of our physical reality – because, again, we manifest our physical reality through our very consciousness and beliefs.

In a grander scheme, just as our time in these bodies is not only about the outer, physical reality, neither is it only about our individual selves and close circles. Each individual action ripples out and affects everyone and everything – from our physical planet and universe to our psychically connected web of existence as a whole. What\’s more, in these times of ours, perhaps the stakes are a bit higher, and call for a responsibility for more than just the self. Yes, it is imperative to start with that man in the mirror, to work on ourselves since we can only really control our individual selves. Yet perhaps we can do so with a greater cognizance, and initiate communication and connection, increase awareness, act and inspire action and reassessment of core beliefs, and focus on and create what we really want instead of what we fear.

Which brings me to a more personal “why” for facing it this time, for trusting the instruction and leaping without necessarily knowing if it will take me up, across or down into a murky chasm. There is a personal urgency now. It seems that through writing, I have a small window of opportunity in which I can ignite and launch my vision for my life, and through doing so, make much needed connections with others, (this according to a Saturn Return conversation one Monday evening nearly a month ago during a consultation with Eric Francis, of Planet Waves renown). I realize some people (strike that – many people, including myself during occasional lapses into self-doubt) have yet to embrace the many modes of intuition available to and in all of us, and might regard the root of my intent and urgency as a bit of astrological brainwashing. Yet I felt in my body and soul that Eric had struck a nerve. I knew in my core there was something very important there, which I had very definitely been avoiding – and for that very reason must face head on, fear or not.

Perhaps because of the urgency involved, during this conversation with Eric (and at the risk of overindulgent dramatics) I felt as if I had been called upon not just to write, but to take a step closer in fulfilling a quest – part of the mission on my path in this life. I felt a bit like Frodo Baggins may have felt as he stepped forward and accepted the task of carrying the ring to the edge of Mount Doom, facing the void, and flinging the ring into its dark heart, hopefully without losing himself in the process. For me, it will be facing the dark heart of myself, which in this case I regard not as a matter of good versus evil, but instead one of confronting my fear and bringing some of the more shrouded and hidden aspects to the surface for air, and then stepping forward and taking responsibility as one of the co-creators of our collective existence (for we are all, each of us, co-creators). Here is an opportunity to take action through ideas, and connect with others to confront and transform the darker realities in our world, our work rippling out from our personal, individual selves to the local level, and beyond.

Except unlike Frodo, I do not have the burden of saving the world at the risk of losing my life. Or do I? In a way, I do; we all do, on myriad levels, at the very least in terms of creating the lives we desire. There are a lot of really dark, not so pleasant things happening out there in our world, affecting and claiming lives, to which we on some level individually and collectively contribute. (Need I mention our tainted political leaders? Or the societal undercurrent that insists happiness and greater well-being are directly proportional to how much we consume? As much as we may repudiate them, they represent some portion of our collective beliefs. Once we all make ourselves aware of and confront our beliefs within, we can then consciously create and manifest the higher vision we seek as it is represented within us.) All is not lost. We all collectively contribute to the positive, and have the ability to create even more positive out there. Again, it starts with our beliefs, which inform our thoughts, shape our moods and perspectives, and seep over from the mental and emotional planes into the very physical reality we form by the choices we make, the words we speak and the actions we take in each moment. If writing about it allows me to connect with others, even if only on the mental level, then perhaps others will also examine their own individual core beliefs further.

So I am choosing to confront the fear of scrutiny, take responsibility, and write. Scary stuff, actually looking within and holding up what I find as a mirror in front of me. Scary and freeing and transformational – at least that is the hope and intention, if I push a little bit and trust. Although my intentions will likely evolve as I do, for now the aim of writing is to openly and honestly bare parts of myself and my experiences with energy work, as a Reiki practitioner and in day-to-day living in general (and really, it\’s all energy, right?). I am interested in the personal journey and discovery of soul in its infinite forms and as it directly correlates to our physical reality. I seek to create greater awareness (in myself at the very least) regarding the nature of consciously creating our realities via the energy that composes and surrounds us. Perhaps there are others out there (and I think there are) who seek similar ideas and paths and connections. What I am thirsting for is not necessarily rigid, absolute “fact,” final answers or authoritative edicts, but rather explorations to burst open curiosity, creativity, and playfulness, ideas to ignite passions, growth and transformation, and energetic connections to spark the soul.