A Call to Write

I have been called to write. Writing is an idea that once upon a time floated around in my mind very quietly, like a soft whispery nudge, which I noticed as almost an afterthought but shrugged to one side, thinking, “maybe in another lifetime – I would rather live my life than just write about it in this one.” Every once in a while, the impulse would work its way out of the trunk of wonderful ideas for the “future” where I had stashed it and reappear to me, and although I might play with it a bit, sooner rather than later I would tuck it away once more. Yet once again I have received the message to write, this time not so quiet in its urging. And my first reactions to it, my first quite conscious thoughts, are two: I am terrified. And this time, I must not ignore it.

Why so resistant? The first excuse – um wait, reason (riiight) for the paralysis returns to the thought that if I am writing, about my life or others\’, I am taking that much time away from the living part of it. (And in the past, I actually talked myself into believing this laze and fear induced “logic.”) The second reason for the heart-lurching compulsion to hide rather than commit to writing and more significantly, to sharing that writing (which turns out to be the raw nerve behind excuse number one)? Basically, baring myself so publicly, so permanently in ink (or in this case, into the vast annals of the ever-expanding world wide web), scares the wit out of me. You mean I have to sign my name to it? Relinquish anonymity? Make a solid stand for something other than the hot fashion item of the season, clear way the path for and even invite judgment (on my thoughts as well as my writing)? Ah, step out of the shadows and bring on the boldness.

If not for boldness, then for what is a life given? The trillion dollar question that will not subside until I properly address it. I think it has something to do with this daring adventure – with claiming ourselves and our space, courageously and without apologies. I\’m not going to insist that I was born to write above all else – there are definitely people out there who were born with such a gift, and I am not one of them. I do have something to contribute, though, and perhaps writing about my ideas and thoughts is a part of it. In expanding an answer to the question about the purpose of a life: As Joseph Campbell would say, it\’s about finding and then following one\’s bliss. For me, I believe this to be a particular reveling in exploration, growth, and figuring out just how to consciously, creatively and joyously manifest my internal being into the physical world. My bliss has been guiding me to delve into topics of soul awareness and some of the other more esoteric, mystic realms as they affect our connections with ourselves and with each other.

And why writing, specifically? It can magnify self-awareness, thereby clarifying the vision I hold for my life – and a more specific vision yields a more specific outcome. Through my journey and studies, particularly over this last year of working toward the level of Reiki Master, I learn more and more everyday that we create our lives – through our beliefs and our thought forms. Our time here is not just about the physical reality, and everything is not necessarily as it seems upon first glance. Rather, the inner reality affects the outer. From thoughts and beliefs, dreams mingled into sleeping and waking lives, the subconscious and then also the psyche, the soul, the part of us that exists outside time and space and without these bodies we occupy, it is from this inner reality that we manifest our outer realities, not to mention our physical bodies that live within and according to the rules of time and space. Except sometimes we may get so caught up in the dramas of the physical manifestations that we lose sight of where they all began – the inner realm. By directing more focus to the awareness of our core selves and our inner realities (particularly to awareness of the thoughts contributing to our core beliefs) – through writing, meditating, creativity, art, astrology, tarot or any number of other means of self-discovery and awareness, we can improve the content and quality of our physical reality – because, again, we manifest our physical reality through our very consciousness and beliefs.

In a grander scheme, just as our time in these bodies is not only about the outer, physical reality, neither is it only about our individual selves and close circles. Each individual action ripples out and affects everyone and everything – from our physical planet and universe to our psychically connected web of existence as a whole. What\’s more, in these times of ours, perhaps the stakes are a bit higher, and call for a responsibility for more than just the self. Yes, it is imperative to start with that man in the mirror, to work on ourselves since we can only really control our individual selves. Yet perhaps we can do so with a greater cognizance, and initiate communication and connection, increase awareness, act and inspire action and reassessment of core beliefs, and focus on and create what we really want instead of what we fear.

Which brings me to a more personal “why” for facing it this time, for trusting the instruction and leaping without necessarily knowing if it will take me up, across or down into a murky chasm. There is a personal urgency now. It seems that through writing, I have a small window of opportunity in which I can ignite and launch my vision for my life, and through doing so, make much needed connections with others, (this according to a Saturn Return conversation one Monday evening nearly a month ago during a consultation with Eric Francis, of Planet Waves renown). I realize some people (strike that – many people, including myself during occasional lapses into self-doubt) have yet to embrace the many modes of intuition available to and in all of us, and might regard the root of my intent and urgency as a bit of astrological brainwashing. Yet I felt in my body and soul that Eric had struck a nerve. I knew in my core there was something very important there, which I had very definitely been avoiding – and for that very reason must face head on, fear or not.

Perhaps because of the urgency involved, during this conversation with Eric (and at the risk of overindulgent dramatics) I felt as if I had been called upon not just to write, but to take a step closer in fulfilling a quest – part of the mission on my path in this life. I felt a bit like Frodo Baggins may have felt as he stepped forward and accepted the task of carrying the ring to the edge of Mount Doom, facing the void, and flinging the ring into its dark heart, hopefully without losing himself in the process. For me, it will be facing the dark heart of myself, which in this case I regard not as a matter of good versus evil, but instead one of confronting my fear and bringing some of the more shrouded and hidden aspects to the surface for air, and then stepping forward and taking responsibility as one of the co-creators of our collective existence (for we are all, each of us, co-creators). Here is an opportunity to take action through ideas, and connect with others to confront and transform the darker realities in our world, our work rippling out from our personal, individual selves to the local level, and beyond.

Except unlike Frodo, I do not have the burden of saving the world at the risk of losing my life. Or do I? In a way, I do; we all do, on myriad levels, at the very least in terms of creating the lives we desire. There are a lot of really dark, not so pleasant things happening out there in our world, affecting and claiming lives, to which we on some level individually and collectively contribute. (Need I mention our tainted political leaders? Or the societal undercurrent that insists happiness and greater well-being are directly proportional to how much we consume? As much as we may repudiate them, they represent some portion of our collective beliefs. Once we all make ourselves aware of and confront our beliefs within, we can then consciously create and manifest the higher vision we seek as it is represented within us.) All is not lost. We all collectively contribute to the positive, and have the ability to create even more positive out there. Again, it starts with our beliefs, which inform our thoughts, shape our moods and perspectives, and seep over from the mental and emotional planes into the very physical reality we form by the choices we make, the words we speak and the actions we take in each moment. If writing about it allows me to connect with others, even if only on the mental level, then perhaps others will also examine their own individual core beliefs further.

So I am choosing to confront the fear of scrutiny, take responsibility, and write. Scary stuff, actually looking within and holding up what I find as a mirror in front of me. Scary and freeing and transformational – at least that is the hope and intention, if I push a little bit and trust. Although my intentions will likely evolve as I do, for now the aim of writing is to openly and honestly bare parts of myself and my experiences with energy work, as a Reiki practitioner and in day-to-day living in general (and really, it\’s all energy, right?). I am interested in the personal journey and discovery of soul in its infinite forms and as it directly correlates to our physical reality. I seek to create greater awareness (in myself at the very least) regarding the nature of consciously creating our realities via the energy that composes and surrounds us. Perhaps there are others out there (and I think there are) who seek similar ideas and paths and connections. What I am thirsting for is not necessarily rigid, absolute “fact,” final answers or authoritative edicts, but rather explorations to burst open curiosity, creativity, and playfulness, ideas to ignite passions, growth and transformation, and energetic connections to spark the soul.